The Forgotten Grief: Where is God when babies die?
For years as the many articles have been written and the conferences attended there are a few
questions which few will bring up when dealing with this difficult grief. Clergy know these questions well:" Why did God let my baby die?"; and "Why did God not answer my prayers", and "Where is my baby now?". These and very many other troubling
questions haunt parents: for some they are faith-breakers. Many of these questions are not only the realm of grieving parents, but confront many who face death and tragedy that defy understanding. Is God at fault when a child dies or a tragedy occurs? Unequivocally not, but a parent who has a deep faith is often faced with
questions they cannot answer. The discussion here will be from a Judaeo-Christian approach, exploring what the scriptures say about the many questions parents have.
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Introduction: Understanding the Loss of an Infant
Would the God of all Mercy really allow a baby to die, or sanction the child's death?
Every parent who has ever lost a child has to one degree or another searched out the "goodness of God". Stillbirth and neonatal death are instances of the death of a small loved one where this is even more true than in other deaths. Some reason that even if death is part of life, why would God allow a child to get part of the way or all the way to birth, only to die? It is such a crushing blow that it seems when it happens that it is only a point of cruelty. The God of Scriptures who many of us spend a lifetime running to for comfort and edification, suddenly seems a severe tyrant, taking that which is most loved, and right at the point of fruition. How could love and devastation coexist in one event? And so the gracious character of God is questioned, and even rage against what seems the opposite of His promises.
C.S. Lewis and his friend discussed these troubled seas in a book called Severe Mercies Lewis, a talented writer and professor came to the Lord later in his life and became the great Christian apologist of the 20th century. He also married after a single life for many years, a young american divorcee with children named Joy Davies. Not long after their very happy marriage, Joy was diagnosed with and died of bone cancer in a very painful death. Lewis, after seeing the greatness and goodness of God for many years, and then the utter joy of marriage and a happy family life, saw it all taken away. The letters between him and his friend grapple at the complexity of loving God first, and what He gives second. The truth is, being carnal in nature first, we often think we love God with a whole heart, but when devastation comes, we are quick to charge Him severely in His decisions. We also fail, often to understand that while He is sovereign and nothing can happen without first going through His hands, there is a difference between an event He causes to happen, and those he allows, or does not stop.
The God of Mercy & Love
Before reading the rest of this consideration of God and the Stillborn, or other perinatal death, it is important to recognize the nature of God that is revealed in Jewish and Christian Scripture.
God is describes as filled with 'tenderloving kindness'. He is a God of nuture and Love. Divine Love is expressed in His longsuffering with mankind, His constant rescue, and comfort and most perfectly in His expression of Love in taking our place in judgment, paying our price for sin, and granting us HIS righteousness, that we might live with Him in eternity. He is our Creator, and we in belief are His children.
Nothing can separate us from His Love. He is also described as a God of Justice and is sovereign in His wisdom: He can see what we cannot see. In God's sovereign timing: all things are made perfect. When we fight against and struggle with His way, we often find ourselves in ruin and chaos. This is a very hard concept to deal with
when struggling with the death of a baby: everything is turned upside down. Questions are asked why God would even allow a mother to walk all the waythrough a pregnancy with all the expectation and physical discomfort and
then suddenly and without warning catch away all the love that had been hoped for. It feels like a cruel joke.
Still, His nature requires what is ETERNALLY right. When and how an infant dies causes the doubting of God's goodness. His goodness though is not changed by our doubts and sorrows: life is a hard tapestry to walk through: especially if we have given Him our lives to do with as He chooses. We experience pain and grief, the likes of which we though we never could. It is not wrong to question God's goodness or Mercy, only to forsake it. In the worst moments of life, we feel like raging against God, not seeking Him. Even rage though, causes us to look in His direction. Prayer even in raging questioning is still prayer and seeking God. When it leads to healing
we begin to find it is our hope, even in grief even when we feel like abandoning God. In a Spiritual battle woundings occur, sometimes debilitating: we fight with spiritual weapons such as the Word, Prayer and Trust. Our feelings towards God come from our personal understandings of what is right and just, not from what may truly be. These are difficult thoughts must time shows the wisdom. Mercy does not change, it often is only explained later.
The Goodness of God & the Sorrows of Life
When a baby dies in infancy or before, the goodness of God can be severely questioned. One theologian noted
a comparison to Moses who after the great providence of becoming a Prince of Egypt, after 40 years in the desert as nothing more than a shepherd, and after 40 years leading the Nation of Israel into Canaan, the Promised land, is forbidden entrance into the land, and dies at the edge of Glory. The great Promise is given to those He lead, but the Great Leader and Lawgiver only sees Canaan from a distance and is denied the Joy of Perfection, although His trust in the Holy One of Israel lead Him to the greater Joy. When a baby dies, there is a dark void, a vacuum of sense, and the
goodness of God may seem a cruel joke. Is God not Good? An old erroneous adage wen "If God is good he is not God, if God is God he is not good". This may sum up the FEELING when a baby dies, but it is severely lacking in the understanding of God and his relationship to the World. The reason we find to rail against God's goodness in tragedy is due to our view of the world and how we relate to God. Most see Him as a Loving Father ready to give
us good things and protect and comfort us in trouble. That is all true. What many believers fail to see though, is that in becoming a Christian we are giving our lives to God to do with as He pleases, and when it is His will to
allow suffering, rather than surrender, we want to feel at peace and earthly happiness and we do not want to surrender to the sufferings of this world. In this Church of today we often hear what is termed "the prosperity gospel" sometimes derogatively called "name it and claim it". It refers to a belief that God is an infinite 'pocketbook' and that we have only to claim our riches. This is not a complete fallacy: for God does tenderly care for His children and provide what we need and often the desires of our heart to teach us, but we are commanded to pray "in His will" or that His "Will be done". His will is a severe mercy. When Chuck Colson was imprisoned because of the Watergate Scandal it must have seemed a
great sorrow and loss to a man whose entire life was forged for politics and the white house. Instead it was a pivot on which God turned him to alleviate the great suffering of prisoners in the world. Often, our suffering is not 'caused' by
God but by others and circumstances, but even then God uses the event to bring us into His purpose. At one point to Israel He says that they will suffer "but not by Me", indicating that not all suffering comes from His hand or chastisement.
When a potter forms a piece of clay into a working vessel, he sometimes kneads the clay roughly to get out imperfections and uses sharp tools to cut away what is not in the interest of the creation and form. Sometimes, something else happens to
'ruin' the impending vessel, but even then, God makes it even more into the form He desires.The goodness of God does not change with the death of an infant: the mercy to the young life, saved in His Joy before having a chance to suffer and possibly leave His presence, is goodness. The goodness seems lacking to the one who grieves the loss. If one strives to stay with God and prayers and counts on His strength to get through the difficult time, the event of death becomes a seguay into a higher plane of relationship with God, and a greater understanding. If we stay in rage at what we have lost, what we feel God has taken from us, we will most often lose faith, deny the God of Heaven and become often a vindictive person working to 'get back' what was unjustly taken. Many lose their faith this way, or spend years before they feel they can even 'speak' to God again.
The Goodness of God is unchangeable but a relationship with Him allows confronting God on His goodness and His promises. The Bible promises we will suffer if we walk with Him in a place which is not home to the believer. In Hebrews 11 when speaking of the ones who have suffered the most, the apostle Paul refers to the world being "not worthy of them". We doubt 'god's goodness when we fail to realize we are in a battle, that suffering is part of the fabric of life, and that in a war we cannot see, "bad things happen to good people". God's goodness is unending. Letting go of God in the midst of feelings of betrayal and loss, though can result in the worst circumstances of all.
Feelings of Injustice
Even in the names of God, He is called both Jehovah and Elohim, and equated with the two names are overall
concepts of love and mercy, and Justice. At a stillbirth, feelings of injustice reign: there is nothing in our experience which tells us that the death of an innocent is "just'. It is both normal and realistic to feel this way. God renders justice in a complex world. Many innocents die in cruel circumstances, with no intervention, and for many, this is the breaking of faith. The ones left behind live with the feelings of injustice for the rest of their lives: examples are plentiful in genocides, the shoah or holocaust, the WTC incident and countless terrorisms, murders, unjust executions and the deaths of children and other innocents. While God for the believer promises that all things, even tragic things work for the good, {Romans 8:28}, He does not promise that we will not experience injustice, only that both here, eventually and in eternity, justice will be rendered, especially to those who harm innocents. The harming of innocents was a premiere sin which brought down nations in the Old Testament, even His beloved Israel, when they forsook God to the point of rendering injustice and harm to the ones without defense.{....}.
When a baby dies, though, from 'natural' causes such as congenital 'defects' or random unavoidable causes, the question of justice is oblique and hard to deal with and almost always lands in the hands of God. No one else could have prevented the death, 'but God could have'. He did not, and so we question His power and Mercy and Justice. Other times in our lives he gives us victory in circumstances which we could never have won by ourselves. There is so much we do not know. A baby's death is unjust but God affirms that in the few scriptures mentioned a death in infancy. "Never Again will there be an infant of days..." is a promise when all things are made right. Trusting God in pain is the hardest thing of all to do, but this is required for wholeness. God remains just, though an infant's death is not. Mystery and suffering are the darkest nights to come to terms with.
Where do Babies Go When they Die?:
Salvation & Infants
Where do babies go when they die? If one asks most will say "Heaven" without much thought, and
they will not be wrong. There is much wrong thinking though even among Christians and Jews about the death and eternal destination of babies: many espouse the idea that their infants become "angels". The teaching of scriptures though, make it clear, that angels "angelon" in the New Testament and "Mal ak" in the Old, are ministering spirits of God, and separate creations from humans: angels will never be humans, nor humans angels: each has a unique place in God's universe. Whether infants who could not by age come to Salvation by choice can be saved, has been debated by theologians since ancient times. While some still argue, most agree that infants, unable to choose the good or bad, are covered in God's mercy and wisdom, known as they are known. There are several scriptural indications of this: First, there are two 'ages of accountability' in the Bible: one, referred to in Isaiah
when the child foreshadowing the Messiah is prophesied, the son named Maher-Shalal-hash-buz ('quick to the spoil') makes reference to before the child shall know to choose the good or evil, in recognition of cognitive and emotional skills not formed.
Isa 8:3-4 And I went unto the prophetess; and she conceived, and bare a son. Then said the LORD to me, Call his name Mahershalalhashbaz. For before the child shall have knowledge to cry, My father, and my mother, the riches of Damascus and the spoil of Samaria shall be taken away before the king of Assyria."An infant of days" is sorrowed over in another passage. Augustine tried to argue for the concept of "Limbo" meaning border, in which he intuited a borderland which was not completely heaven, but this concept was derived from pagan practices and belief, and is found no where in scripture. Most theologians argue that in utter unaccountability, There is a divine work of which we have little information, allowing for such instances. Scripture teaches in the New Testament that infants and children are attended by angels that "always behold the face of God". Jesus also taught that it was not the child who must become as the adult to be saved, but the mature person who must become as a child.{} Innocent and young childhood is consistently given a place of favor in Scripture.
There appears also to be a more formal "age of accountability" which is recognized in both the Old and New Testament, by both Jews and Christians, of about 13, as the child enters into the teen years and is able to discern what is right. It is the 'foyer' of adulthood and accountability. This accountability has carried over into legal theory implicitly. Regarding Salvation, though, for the Christian, a choice and surrendering in belief toward the divine atonement of Jesus on the Cross, the blood affording us eternal life and the righteousness of God himself and a restitution of all sin, brought upon us since the Fall, that choice is required of each individual believer. So, the issue becomes one of whether a person for whatever reason can or cannot choose Mercy. It is generally agreed upon that God compensates in Mercy for those who cannot choose.
One scriptural example is often mentioned of David in his illicit marriage to Bathsheba. After the death of Bathsheba's husband Uriah, the son of Bathsheba and David falls ill and dies. David responds with fasting and prayer while the child is alive, but as the child dies, he ceases his mourning. When asked about this he replies:
I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me"---this child and David's response to his death is decidedly different than David's response to Absalom's death, the adult son who rebelled against his kingdom and died a violent death. To Absalom, David falls in despair crying ,
"O Absalom, Absalom, My son, Would that I had died instead of you". With the young child which died, David recognizes he is with the Lord, with the son of an accountable age, who has turned from God and David, he grieves fully.
The sum is as follows, while any who has the capacity to do so must "believe and be saved", deciding what was done on Golgotha on the day of atonement, the scriptures speak only briefly or conceptually of those who are incapable of making the choice. Where the scriptures do speak, they teach that infants and childrenhold a special, protected place before God and that their deaths are a tragic and serious event to God, even warning people that it would be better to tie a millstone around one's neck and die than to harm one of the little one's. Even the apostles were pushed aside when a child appeared to see Jesus, and many of the miracles of healing were towards children. while a child before the age of accountability may be brought to Christ, this does not mean that children who die without a profession are unsaved. The most comforting point is that God is more merciful than we are, and always does what is right.
Will I see my Baby Again?
The reunion of departed loved ones in Heaven is a comfort and hope to the believer. Part of this
discussion will no doubt trouble those with differing beliefs. The teachings of scriptures are clear, though, that our Salvation and healing to God are necessary for us to attain to Heaven and the New Jerusalem, the promise of centuries, and that Salvation could only be wrought by God Himself, who afforded us with
His righteousness when we trust and believe in the work of His Messiah, His Son on the cross of Golgotha. When Life itself walked out from death in 3 days time, a new hope was given the world, that even Death, was now overcome: Death could not grasp or overwhelm life. This was the perfect deliverance of Israel and all who would be grafted onto its Vine of Life. The "Hope of Heaven" and promise of eternal life, is that the Holy Spirit comes to dwell in the believer when we trust Christ as the answer to our sins, the thing that keeps us from God and Life and that God by the Blood imputes His righteousness to us: we are incapable of attaining divine righteousness on our own. When we have trusted the Redeemer, we have not only
a HOPE of heaven, but an absolute assurance: it has been 'purchased' for us: it is ours by His Grace.
Believing and trusting God, for the atonement of your sins, for eternal life, for salvation and healing, heaven is more your home than this place where we are tried, sometimes beyond weariness, despair and understanding, such as when your child died. Death is not an end, it is a change. A life in the presence of God is possible
to us not through our work, but through God's. In trusting His Work, you will indeed see your child again: He has known each of us, as we are known. We will be reunited with the desire of our hearts, firstly God and secondly those we have loved on earth in perfect peace, perfect rest, the perfect love of God, where sin
and 'that which is not of God' cannot enter. When God brings about perfection, and excellence and completeness, we will dwell with Him, and not die. There can be no greater Joy.Comforting passages to read are found in I Corinthians 15.
How Could God let my baby die?
When horrendous and tragic events such as the death of an infant happen in our lives, our tendency is
to blame God, and hold Him accountable for our grief and sorrow. After all, we reason, how could a God of Love allow such injustice and suffering, and seem so silent and distant? I write in another area: holocaust
studies and the same severe questions arise. Sometimes in the midst of the worst sufferings on earth, God seems strangely both present and absent: absent in intervention, but many report feeling the presence of the Lord walking
them through great sorrow. The tragic events in the Bible such as deaths, losses, and betrayals often fall into a few possibilities
Sovereignty presents us with the most difficult problem when an untimely death occurs. We know God could have stopped it, and when He does not, it challenges our faith to the breaking point. When we find a child has died with a cord accident, or placenta abruptia, or other maladies which might have been prevented we blame God first and then the doctor, although as Kubler-Ross once noted, "God can take it". Anger and rage towards God cause some to turn from their faith, and most tragically cause some to lose their faith. Some who have believed since childhood not only lose a child in stillbirth but all they believe and are. Others grow stronger into an unshakeable faith and understanding of the nature of life and the expectation of Heaven.
while this is not a healing thought in early grief, it is true nonetheless that God is utterly sovereign. Our understandable feelings of betrayal, rage and despair may cause us to rail against God and for moments it is possible to even feel hatred towards what he has allowed. But Scriptures teach again and again that His Ways are not our ways, that they are sometimes beyond our understanding, and that "the secret things belong to the Lord" Dt. 29:29. While not as serious as a stillbirth, I remember one loss of many years ago, which at the time left me devastated. It was some years later that I realized that in the fact of that loss, a lifetime of unbearable suffering was averted. Life became hard later, but it was events I could bear. God has promised that all things work to the good of them who believe (Romans 8:28). That passage does not mean that all that happens is good, some things are terrible and evil. It means that even in the most horrible and brutal circumstances that God allows, the Enemy of our souls cannot win, because God will take those events and make good evolve because or out of them.
Here is a difficult thought: our lives here are in great part to find, know and Love the God who created us. Each of our lives is imbued with purpose: we can cooperate with God in that purpose or like Jonah we can run from it: God will still bring us to our Nineveh. Our purpose on this earth is both to believe and be saved, to reflect the glory of God and His presence in the World, and to fulfill the very specific plan He has for us. When that is accomplished, we are called to a far better place of Peace and Bliss, in His presence, where there is no want, harm or danger, where we are safe forever even from death. YOUR BABY's LIFE ALSO HAD A PURPOSE---SO DID THEIR DEATH. That is very difficult to receive. The amount of time on earth matters very little: a man can live in greed and pride 90 years and never find God, know Him or accomplish His Plan. A stillborn baby on the other hand, teaches people to love, brings people to the Lord, teaches us the tenuous nature of life and teaches us a faith that those who have not suffered loss can never know. A child not even breathing for an hour, can have an impact greater than a famous preacher. The purpose of a life is not ours to decide nor in our hands: it is brought about by God.
Does God 'allow' a baby to die? We can not say He did not call them home early. We can only say He made sure their life, their little life was important and meaningful and significant: that He made sure their purpose was accomplished. How many of us can be sure we can do the same so perfectly. The sorrow and wounds are ours, not theirs. They are in perfect peace and rest, and experience a joy we will only know when we are in the Presence of God.
Feelings and Thoughts that Break Faith
THE MOST devasting consequence of a baby's death is not just the painful mourning, but a loss of faith in God which may accompany it. While that is a normal experience in grief, if it persists, it is exceedingly dangerous to a mother or father's well-being. The following beliefs though are dangerous to the faith of a parent losing a baby:
Title taken from "The Forgotten Grief" published in American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 1982.