Children & Grief

My Father's Bigger Than Yours

When a baby is stillborn or miscarried, it impacts the entire family, including even young children. Mothers and Fathers mourn openly: they cannot help but grieve, but children react to loss in general differently, and very young children and even teenagers may not appear to grieve at all, but often express grief in a variety of ways including rage, misbehavior, regressing to earlier age-related behavior, and becoming demanding of a parent's attention at exactly the time parents do not feel like comforting others. With adult grief, theorists love to describe or propose 'stages' or 'attributes', or give methods and clinical advice, but most of these fall far short of the experience and often set troubling expectations on parents who are already deeply stressed and trying to cope with the death of an infant. With children, it is even moreso, because children rarely grieve 'linearly', or with mere 'sadness' or crying. The experience and expression of grief to the child is as unique and individual as the child is: one child may mope and become clingy, but another will throw themselves into repetitive activity, and yet another may become angry and even violent. Children grieve differently than adults for several reasons:

REASONS & WAYS CHILDREN GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY FROM ADULTS

1. The do not have the cognitive skills or reasoning skills about death the adult has

2. They do not have the emotional maturity adult has

3. It is typically the first encounter with death a child has

4. Children do not have the years of learning and developing patterns of coping the adult has. Also,

5. Children deal with God, Heaven, and the 'unseen' things of life, in some ways more 'trustingly' and in some ways more finitely: they see Jesus often as more 'tangible' but at the same time as more .... Death and Heaven are often not perfectly equated: death is a scary thing that takes people away, but Heaven is a beautiful place where everyone (in most children's thinking) goes when they die.

Because of these and other factors, children often stretch their abilities emotional and otherwise to grasp death. Even this is age-related ³ Piaget, the famous Child 'Developmentalist' noted a cognitive difference in children under age 5 and over. He noted that children under the age of 5 could only 'conserve' or 'keep in mind and reference 'one aspect of an event at once. For example if a child sees the same amount of water in a tall thin glass and a short fat glass, he or she will invariably note that the tall glass has 'more' even when the water from the short glass is poured into the tall: he or she can only focus on one aspect of the observation at a time. After what Piaget and others such as Flavell refer to as the '5 to 7' shift in which children begin to 'conserve', they have the beginning of more mature understandings. How is this related to grief? The finality of death for the child is only one 'element' of the family life at the time of death. There is stress, sorrow, grief, separation, family disruptions, visits from strangers and relatives, a funeral, and a complete reversal of expectation. When a child sees 'death' it definitely means a 'change' but what it means to one child or anothr may vary. One child may focus on death being like an illness and may concern himself with what makes a dead person 'well'. I recall the story of a child lost a mother to an untimely death, who believed that a rightly placed 'band-aid' could heal her and bring her back. Another may focus on blame and responsibility. Some children may have 'wished' for the child not to be born because of the eternal issue of sibling rivalry, or fearing the loss of attention and love. When a baby brother or sister dies, they may blame themselves.

The more direct idea of this cognitive 'conservation' is that the whole event of a death, the permanent nature, the loss of a sibling, or the expectation vs the loss of a real baby, or the turn from a parent's affection to an emotional vacuum for a while, is impossible for one child to take in all at a time, particularly if they are in the 'pre-conservation' ages, so until there is a more mature understanding, children around this age will often focus on or be preoccupied by only one aspect of the death.

Because of the different ways children perceive death, they can both be a comfort and cause some heartache when a baby dies. Children under 7 or so are very 'matter of fact' about the death, and also very self-centered. They want to know how the events in the home affect them. They want to know if the baby died, or 'went somewhere' or worse, perhaps was 'given away'. Questions in this area to a grieving mother or father can be a razor against the already intense pain. Many children harbor self-blame and 'magical thinking': they think something they did or said may have caused the baby's death, such as wishing that the baby wouldn't come home so they would still be the center of attention. I heard one parent describe a child's concern that their sibling died because they had left a toy out after being asked to pick it up the evening before.

Sleep and Other Misunderstandings About Death

Children can be terrified by death, as well as just 'puzzled'. Many parents compound this by explaining to the child that death is like "falling asleep". A child with limited reasoning capacity who sees death the same as 'falling asleep' may begin to have sleeping problems! They may fear they will die if they go to sleep. Likewise, some children may fear that the child's death is a punishment or an action of the parents. It is important to stress that the death is no one's fault. If feelings and simple misunderstandings are allowed to fester, the child may come to fear the parent in an unhealthy and unrealistic manner, perhaps seeing death as a punishment for wrongdoing. As mentioned previously, some may see death as impermanent: they believe the event can be changed or reversed: their mother will stop crying when they go and get the baby back. As children try to make sense of what is going on in the grieving family, they may ask honest and important questions to themselves, but the way they express themselves may horrify the bereaved family. The parent can aid them in their oblique grief, by calmly meeting even their 'horrifying' questions with a realistic and simple explanation.

Babies vs Angels

One of the most commonly held misconceptions and erroneous 'doctrines' that people in general hold, and especially many parents, is that babies become angels when they die. Many mothers express the belief that their babies turn to angels in Heaven and watch over and comfort them for the rest of their lives. However, neither Catholicism, Christianity, or Judaism teach that babies who die, or anyone who dies becomes an angel- that is more a function of general folklore and media representations rather than the teaching of the Holy Scriptures. The Bible teaches that Angels are 'ministering spirits', they represent God and minister to His creation in various ways, one of which includes guidance and protection .[Ps 91, e.g.] People who die though, do not become angels, not even the very small. Babies who die, do not go to 'limbo', they go directly to Heaven in the wisdom and mercy of God, met with perfect justice and love. What the Bible actually teaches, is that when all things are fulfilled, the saved, and saints in Christ will judge angels! In other words, though both angels and saints in Heaven partake of the Divine nature, they are different. There are some very comforting passages in Scriptures though about how God feels about babies and babies who die: He declares in the Old Testament that when things are perfect, there will never again be 'an infant of days'--when things are made new. He declares that their angels [the babies have angels!] always behold the face of His Father!---a very comforting thought. The idea of our loving comforting Father, sharing His Heaven with the sibling who has died, carefully explained can be very comforting even to young children. There is also healing in His Word, even for young children, and reading psalms or some of the passages of scripture about children may be a comfort as well as providing an opportunity to cuddle next to a parent who may lately seem a little distant to the child.

One of the reasons though, that while it may be pleasant to think about, it is best not to use this imagery, first and foremost because it is incorrect and will present a trust issue later, but also because while the deceased infant does indeed go into the loving arms of an Almighty God, the protection and guidance of a believer is the providence of the LORD, by the Holy Spirit or angels. The child who has died rests in bliss and happiness and the love of God---there is no reason to fear or be terrified: they are in the arms of the Redeemer who judges justly and is more merciful than we are. But a child who believes that a baby gains wings and flies nearby watching them, does not have the ability to recognize metaphor in the same way as an adult, and this thought may not be nearly as comforting for a child as it is for a parent!

A Child's Concern About Death

A young child seeing the hurt and pain may also begin to fear or wonder about death, worrying about their own or that of other family members. This is perfectly normal: for the adult in our society, even if it is only a cognitive event, death is a fact of life whether one has experienced the death of a loved one or not. For a child, especially in Western cultures were childhood death rates are lower, when a death occurs, it may be incomprehensible. It may be so incomprehensible to younger children, that their reactions often surprise parents: they understand even from infanthood the concept of loss or being separated from a parent or caretaker. From about 8months on, infants show marked distress at separations of even a few hours from a mother, for example, and prolonged absences around this time have been noted as associated with later emotional problems including distrust, anxiety, and other relationship problems.^6,7 But death itself, is an unknown to a child, with no loss so permanent in their lives to compare it to, unless perhaps there has been a divorce where one parent moves out and does not see the child often or again.

"Baby Alive"

For this reason, the ideas, concepts, dreams and questions which children report during mourning may as we have noted before shock and alarm parents: but it is really quite a normal process of reasoning through, misunderstandings of death, loss, painful or puzzling emotions, and finding a rudimentary way of assimilating the fact of the death into their simpler emotional environment. I remember the recounting of one child's confrontation with the death of an infant sibling as told by her mother who headed a support group. A few days or weeks after the couple's child died shortly after birth in a neonatal intensive care unit, the parents explained, amidst their own grief, to the waiting sibling that the new baby would not be coming home. This couple, a professional couple with both insight and maturity, explained the death about as well as anyone could. The mother, N. S., noted a time later when she went in her child's room and found her playing with dolls. She was picking up one doll, and in a small tup with water, was placing the child under water and then bringing it back up. As she did, she said, "Baby Alive" [a popular doll at the time] and then when under the water she said, "Baby Adead". And she repeated the process. While some may think the child disturbed or even cruel, and while many parents may far over-react to the event, this example points well to the difference between adult grief, which is characterized pretty plainly by intense painful emotion and loss and stress related experiences, and the child's grief which is first about understanding the loss, followed by emotional reactions to the loss, which are often characterized by concerns for their own safety, comfort and security. The little girl with the doll was not in any way enacting the baby's death directly, she was trying to understand the difference between being alive and dead. Since this young sibling did not have the same emotional reaction to the death as her parents, or the same attachment, she was just trying to make sense of what it all meant, and what death was that caused such sadness. All she knew was that she was not going to have a little brother or sister. And she knew it made her parents very sad, and probably as is often the case, it meant some emotional distance from the parents at least for a little while as they drew in affectively in their own wounded condition to try to heal. The little girl was trying to understand what death was, and what the nature of it was such that it caused this change in her family. Understanding this reasoning and assessment process in young children when a death occurs, sheds light on a youngster's behavior during this time. A parent should not be alarmed or worried, even at what otherwise would be deeply worrisome. A few hints in dealing with a child during this time:

Ways to talk to Children Reasoning About Death

* Realize their behavior is not aimed at you, and is not being conducted to make you angry, antagonize, blame or make you horrified or sad. Children are too self-focused during grief for this. Acknowledging this will result in more patience with 'bad' behavior.
* If the behavior is directed to you, in some instances, it is almost entirely the desire to have the parent pay attention to a child feeling neglected, lonely, or confused. Sit by the child, talk or read, or go for a walk, or some other quiet activity. Just like their parents, when they hurt, they appreciate comfort.

* Comfort the child instead of punishing the child. In the story above of the 'Baby Alive' doll, some parents would be wont to rebuke the child with a 'how dare you', or put the child to shame with a horrified 'don't do that!'. That is a natural visceral response. A more appropriate response would be to sit down next to the child and ask questions and talk. For example, ask the child, " What do you think death is?" "Where do you think the baby is now?" very matter-of-factly, and lovingly, and begin to open the discussion. The Christian parent can at this point begin to share the loving nature of God, the Father of us all, or how Jesus tenderly cared for children promising they were always watched after in his care. A few scriptures would include: [Mat 18:10 Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.

Mat 19:14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

Mat 18:3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

]The joys of Heaven, and the very important purpose of our lives here, with the promise of a very happy reunion can also be discussed.

* Help the child, depending on age and developmental level understand the permanence of death, and why it makes parents so sad, but that the child is safe and loved. One way you can be both true and comforting is to let them know that they will live all the days God has given them, and so will you. Those days are important, filled with purpose and reason, and can be filled with love. If the child asks about why the baby died so soon, you may communicate that no matter how small the little life, it had a purpose in God's world and heart. God knows how painful it is to say goodbye to a little sister or brother, and that is why He promises in the Bible that in Heaven, when all is made perfect and we will never be sad again, that no baby will ever die. [See Isa 65:20 "There shall be no more thence an infant of days"]

Ways Children Express Grief

The following are within the range of normal reactions:

Acting Out: angry, restless or destructive behavior

Juvenile Delinquency

Depression, which in children may not take the form of crying, but of reserve or other emotions

Imaginary friends [this can be temporary and even normal also]

Regression to earlier stages of development, e.g. wetting the bed, wanting to crawl not walk etc.

Excessive 'clinginess' or conversely excessive aloofness

Fighting and contentiousness

whining and 'impossible to please' behavior

change in sleeping or eating

Listlessness

Playing games with dolls or other objects working out what happened

Under Development

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