Grieving a Loss From Many Years Ago: A Response
Thirty four years ago, emotional and spiritual care for a parent losing a stillborn child
was very limited, and most conventional advice was anything but helpful. Parents such
as yourself were often encouraged to 'put the grief away' if it was acknowledged at all,
and many parents despite deep pain and intense mourning, did their best to try. Grief
however does not and cannot 'go away'---rather, when we try to suppress it, it merely
finds a different form---I once heard the analogy of a seedling which is planted, and
then a sidewalk is built over it: it still attempts to grow and does grow, but often
twisting and turning through the cracks, taking on a contorted form to survive.
Unattended grief still manifests itself in a person's life: When a child is stillborn,
their identity and place is held in the family, and they are mourned like any other of
the children who might have died: the difference is, that when they are not mourned
openly, some longlasting heartaches and unhealthy thinking can occur, such as burdening
the next child with having to be 'ideal', or comparing the next child to what the stillborn
'would have been like'.
Some things you can do even 34 years later, are the same as at the beginning: stop
feeling guilty, by coming to a clear understanding that with the situation as it was, no
one could have changed it. Even years later, you may still have a few memorabilia: clothing,
a rattle, a birth or death certificate, the hospital band, etc. It is perfectly normal
perhaps during a quiet time alone to take these out and begin to work through even long
past feelings. Secondly, recognize you are very normal: during the course of talking to
a mother who had lost a stillborn some years ago, her mother found herself expressing her
grief over
a stillborn she had lost 30 years prior. Talk to someone you can trust, who will not dismiss
your feelings as odd: it helps just to tell the story of what happened a few times so you can
get it straight in your own mind, and put some order into those events.
While some mothers are uncomfortable with 'overt' exercises , others find writing poetry to commemorate
their child, or even writing a letter to the child expressing your feelings helpful. While this may
be misunderstood by the general public who are uneducated in the nature of grief, it may provide a
catharsis for feelings you have held for years, but not understood. One can do this in a variety
of ways such as choosing music which expresses how you felt years ago and listening, writing down
an account of what you went through and how you felt, etc. It may also help you to consider how
your feelings about the death and your choices then, may have affected your relationship with
your son later. Depending on his demeanor, if he is open to a conversation on the loss, this
may also help by getting some long forgotten but still present feelings out into the open.
While much of my site is information, it is from a Christian point of view, so I must add that I
believe with all my heart that real healing, both of present and past hurts, begins with Jesus.
"By His Stripes, we are healed", is for salvation and for our wholeness as a person: indeed, one
of the names of God, Jehovah-Rapha, in Hebrew refers to God our healer.
Prayer and the Word of God are instrumental in healing the wounds and mourning this life inflicts,
and grief at the death of an infant is one of the most severe. In seeking the Lord
we find our answers and rest and direction, we find our comfort. I cannot imagine having to work
through such painfulness without Him.
Even though years have gone by and many may not understand, you may chose even now to set some sort
of memorial, a small stone, a remembrance at Christmas or Easter, or any of many others. It is
probably helpful to be done quietly to avoid misunderstanding by the uninformed. Many support groups
hold a general memorial service around Christmas remembering infants who have died, both recently and
years ago: the comradery and comfort, the understanding there may be of great value to you. What's
to stop you from having a small commemorative service now? Public opinion? It can be done quietly
with intimate friends and loved ones who will understand, and hopefully a comforting minister.
Do not think you are unusual in your thoughts or feelings---most bereaved parents experiencing the same
feel as you do.
I am not suggesting 34 years later to go back and try to relive the death as though it had just happened,
that is not the case, much has happened in the interim. The things that I have suggested here though
are for healing and closure---I suspect that though you may feel awkward at first, having accomplished
some of these, you may feel a release and freedom you have not felt for many years. Finally, even
after 34 years, being able to let go and 'surrender' the death of your child, to surrender the child
to God, not in letting go of the very real fact of your motherhood, but in relinquishing what cannot
be changed, will begin to bring changes.
Grief even when done openly at the time of the death is a lifelong process: I often told parents I
worked with that you must not think in terms of 'getting over the death' but in terms of learning to
live with it. The child who died always has a place in your family, heart and life---it is the ignoring of
that fact that brings harm. Death is inevitable and all of us leave at varying points, some as infants,
some as older children, adults or as older men and women, but each of us has a purpose in the days given
us. Your child's life and yours have meaning and are intertwined forever in God's design: your task is
to perhaps do a little 're-weaving' to bring some yarns and threads of the tapestry back into view with
the greater purpose. Please feel free to write again if you desire. You may also want to speak of these
suggestions with your counselor.
Elizabeth Kirkley Best PhD
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