The Forgotten Grief:

Characteristics & Experiences
Which are Perfectly Normal

Experiences Can Be Troubling, but Normal

  • Physical Sensations of the Baby- still feeling the baby move
  • Hearing Phantom Crying
  • Yearning for the Baby
  • Heightened Emphasis on stimuli associated with babies
  • Anxious or negative feelings towards others with living children
  • Nightmares, or dreams where the baby is still alive.
  • keeping or 'clinging' to memorabilia
  • Oversensitivity
  • Disruptions in hunger/appetite, and other somatic events
  • Restlessness and anxiety
  • Insomnia or 'hyper-somnia' [early]
  • Preoccupation with ideas of the infant who has died
  • Feeling drawn to the places associated with the infant, e.g. the hospital, gravesite, etc.
  • Needing to quickly take down the nursery, or prolong the decision.
  • Feelings of not wanting children again, or conversely a rush into a next pregnancy. [this is a normal feeling, but inadvisable]
  • An Aversion to major holidays or their celebration or traditions for the first year or two.
  • Weeping and feelings of loss at Anniversaries of the birth death and other important events.
  • Hallucinations or Illusions in early grief. while these are troubling, they are commonly reported.
  • Keeping memorabilia of the infant, and taking them out to look at them.
  • Weeping and over-sensitivity to hurtful or careless remarks.
  • Repetitive motions such as sewing, needlework, cleaning, gardening, or even computer/gameboy type activities.

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    • References & Footnotes

    1Parkes, C.M. The effects of bereavement on physical and mental health: A study of the case histories of widows. British Medical Journal 1964, Vol. 2, 274-279.

    2Yamamoto, J. Okonogi, K. Iwasaki, T. and Yoshimure, S. American Journal of Psychiatry, 1969 Vol. 125, 1660-1665.

    3Bowlby, J.H. Attachment and Loss: (3 Volumes) Vol.3: Loss. Basic Books, NY, 1979.

    4Grief at Perinatal Loss: An Argument for the Earliest Maternal Attachment: Morbid Grief Reactions, Griefİ 1981, 2005-6 Elizabeth Kirkley Best PhD

    Bowlby Note Bowlby writes from an 'ethological' point of view which is strongly entrenched in evolutionary theory and theories of adaptation and survival function of behavior. As an evangelical Christian, I oppose these theories, but the actual description of the behaviors in yearning and searching which Bowlby describes are cogent, and as long as they are kept on a descriptive instead of an interpretative level, are easily noted by most in bereavement intervention. Title taken from "The Forgotten Grief" published in 5Davidson, Glen. "Death of the Wished-for Child", and "Understanding Death of the Wished-for Child". SIU American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 1982.